The Horror of the Costco Guys

If you listen closely, these old trees whine “we bring the boom”

If you’re not familiar with the Costco guys, that’s probably a good thing.  It means you’re not perpetually online.  But if you are familiar with them, then I hope you share my same fears about the darskide of the chicken bake.

For those unfamiliar, the Costco Guys (and the extended Costco Guys Universe) is comprised of:

• Big AJ “The Father”

• Big Justice “The Son”

• The Rizzler “The Holy Ghost”

I see death behind the eyes of AJ.  Big Justice looks like he’s eaten more Chicken bakes than any human should ever contemplate.  And The Rizzler is pure magic.  He’s like if a green sour patch kid came to life.  A walking sugar high

They started to come into popularity by AJ and Big Justice going to Costco, saying these rehearsed lines about Chicken Bakes and Double Chunk Chocolate Chip cookies and freaking everyone out more than they realized.  If you thought child actors were treated bad in the 80s and 90s, that’s nothing compared to the haunting look of fear behind the eyes of Big Justice.  Again, the Rizzler is just pure magic.  He can do no wrong.

Where this got worse for me is they created this song.  THIS SONG.  It’s trapped in my head like Big Justice is trapped in a basement, pleading with God to never eat another Chicken Bakes again.

I can’t explain it.  It haunts me like a soldier coming back from war.  At night I hear the Costco guy’s song playing through the walls of this old house.  Forever trapped in random Costco’s, eating a horrific amount of cookies and chicken bakes in order to satisfy some sort of audience that comes back over and over indulging in this madness.

I am forever haunted by this broken family.  Minus the Rizzler.  He can do no wrong.